This Means War
by HiImDelta
Summary: Forced to stay at a military school for a year, Bart and Lisa must endure the hardships of a school designed to push them past the breaking point. To survive, they must stick together. But when a group of bullies divides them, their bond is put to the test. Will they graduate victorious? Or will they become the school's next casualties? Only one thing is certain: This. Means. War.
1. Testing

A class of fourth graders gathered at the foot of the stairs out front of the small police station. Some were standing, but most were on sitting on the concrete, their legs having given out from two hours of waiting. Sitting above them at the top of the steps was their teacher, Edna Krabappel. She'd given up on knocking after fifteen minutes, instead opting to light and smoke one of the many packs of cigarettes she carried on her at all times.

An incoming siren caused many of the sitting children to rise from the ground to get a good look at the sound's source. Swerving around the corner, and breaking about a dozen of the very traffic laws he swore to enforce, was Springfield Chief of Police Clancy Wiggum. The sound of the siren was nearly drowned out by squealing tires as the officer did his best to stop his speeding car before it reached the sidewalk out front of the station. He was almost successful, with only a few students jumping backward to avoid being hit. He slammed open the driver's side door, repeating an apology and struggling to fit his massive body through the doorway. "Sorry, sorry."

Edna forced the ignited tip of her cigarette onto the concrete next to her before tossing it away. Then, she, along with the few students who had remained sitting during Wiggum's grand entrance, stood up and moved to one side to allow the overweight cop to pass. "Are you ready to start the tour?" She asked as the children followed the officer up the stairs.

"Uhhh... yeah," Wiggum replied. "Okay kids," he addressed the class. "We're here to pass through the Museum..." Groans immediately emerged from the students, but they quickly turned to cheers as the officer added: "of Crime!" With the tour guide present, the students filed into the dark corridors of the small museum that had been built into the police station. Well, most of them.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

The fourth graders weren't the only class with a day off, however. Back at the Springfield Elementary, Elizabeth Hoover's third-grade class was sitting through their fifth film that morning. After the semi-educational movie, _The Joy of Sand_ , had finished, a single hand rose up from the front of the classroom.

"Umm... Miss Hoover?" The hand belonged to none other than class genius Lisa Simpson, who turned to face her less-than-motivated teacher. "Movies are great and all, but couldn't we be doing something more..." She paused, searching for the right word in her head. "challenging?"

"Well, I suppose we could be." For a split second, Lisa's face lit up. However, she was instantly brought back down when her teacher added a half ironic "But that would be too hard." and inserted another film into the projector.

Lisa let out an annoyed grunt and returned her attention to the white screen at the front of the classroom, which was now showing an old black and white movie about the Moon.

Due to the darkness, and the fact that everyone in the class was at least half asleep, if not completely out cold, not a single student noticed Miss Hoover exit not just the classroom, but the school grounds. It was only when the film ended that her absence was discovered.

"Okay, Miss Hoover," Lisa started, fully intending to give her teacher a stern talking-to. However, as she turned around, she found her teacher was missing. "Miss Hoover?"

"Her car is gone," One student noted. Lisa and some others joined that student at the window to view Miss Hoover's now empty parking space, confirming the statement.

"Now what?" Another student asked.

Lisa let out a "hmph" and headed towards the classroom door. With Miss Hoover gone, she would have to give her talking-to to somebody else. The class noticed the sound of the door handle turning and spun around to see who had come in, only to find that it wasn't someone entering the room; rather, it was someone exiting it.

"Hey, you can't leave until the bell rings," A student remarked.

"Why not?" Lisa shot back. "The teacher did." She stood in the doorway for a second to see if anyone could come up with a good response. When nobody did, she simply said "That's what I thought." and left.

However, leaving the school entirely wasn't her plan. Instead, she headed down the hall to Principal Skinner's office, slamming the door open.

"Principal Skinner."

"Lisa." Skinner greeted her back. "What can I help you with?"

"Well, sir, it's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of..." Lisa paused mid-sentence to shudder. "'magazine time.' I just don't feel challenged."

"Well, Lisa, you may not feel challenged, but I bet you the dumber students are having a horrible time trying to read those magazines. If we made it any harder, you'd be the only one to not be held back."

"I'm not asking for much, just some simple multiplication would be enough."

"Multiplication?" Skinner asked with a laugh. "What do you think this is? College?"

Lisa lowered her head in sorrow and kept it lowered as she exited the office and walked back to the teacher-less classroom.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

Meanwhile at the police station, Lisa's older brother Bart had secretly broken off from his fourth-grade classmates. He headed towards a place at the station with contents guaranteed to be much more interesting than whatever the museum had to offer. With his well-honed skills, and the help of many signs, he quickly found the room he was looking for.

Glancing upward, he read out the sign above the doorway to himself. "Armory." Then, with an evil chuckle, he entered the sacred room.

His anticipation wouldn't last, however. "Aw boo," he said, disappointed at the many padlocks put on the weapon lockers.

Then, looking at the wall opposite, he found something louder, if not more interesting. Picking up a single megaphone off the wall of dozens, he pressed the trigger down and held the device to his mouth.

"Testing."

Intrigued at the increase in volume, he grabbed another, this time placing it in front of the first.

"Testing!"

As he had hoped, his speech volume was multiplicatively amplified. With this new discovery, he had a brilliant idea.

Grabbing one after another off the wall, Bart made a line of megaphones. Using tape to hold the triggers down, he placed the line atop a row of chairs for support and pointed his newly designed weapon out the window.

Being as quiet as his ADHD would allow him to be, he placed his mouth at the back of the line and said a single word that would change his life forever.

" **TESTING!"**

The word burst through the air in a manner more akin to shockwaves than sound waves. Not even noise of the hundreds of shattering windows could overtake the monstrous noise. The whole city vibrated as if the very Earth was shifting beneath it.

Bart, standing at ground zero, was thrust backward by the wave, smacking into the gun lockers behind him and blacking out.

"Holy Crud!" Clancy Wiggum exclaimed when he entered the room. Not that anyone heard him, as wave had left a loud ringing in the ears of every Springfield resident. "Wake up!"

Bart awoke, and standing before him was Chief Wiggum, Edna Krabappel, and his entire fourth-grade class.

"Come here." Clancy grabbed the boy by his sleeve and dragged him through the building, out the entrance, and into the back of his now windowless cruiser.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

The Simpsons family gathered at their house on Evergreen Terrace. Homer knew to come home as soon as the wave hit the power plant. After all, it didn't take a genius to figure out who was behind it.

The ringing having ceased after fifteen minutes, Lisa, Bart, Marge, Homer, and Maggie sat in their living room, accompanied by the chief of police.

"Why on Earth would you even do this?" Marge asked her son.

"It looked like fun," Bart replied sincerely.

Marge sighed in disappointment. "Now about your punishment." The mother started.

"I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I've done." Bart finished, his actual sincerity having been replaced by fake sincerity.

He was about to leave the room when his father stopped him. "Oh no, you don't. There are toys in your room. You're going to..." He paused, trying to think of a place where even Bart couldn't have fun. He decided on "the garage."

Turning around and heading to the garage, Bart kept his head low to help keep up his act, for he knew that the garage had just as many fun toys as his room, even if the average person wouldn't call them that.

"I just don't know what to do with him," Marge said aloud to herself more than anyone else in the room.

"I mean, there are options," Wiggum noted. He thought for a minute before an idea popped into his head. "You know, there's always military school."

"Military school?"

"Yeah. Set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave."

"Hmm..."

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

"We're goin' to Disney Land, we're goin' to Disney Land." Bart chanted as he descended the stairs, suitcase in hand, and headed out the front door.

It wasn't until the family had set left Evergreen Terrace that the young boy noticed something suspicious. "Hey, where's your guys' luggage?"

"Why would we need luggage?" Homer asked.

"For Disney Land."

"Who said anything about Disney Land? I said we were going to a military school." Homer replied.

"Wait, we aren't going to Disney Land?" Bart asked in a tone brimming with fear.

"Wait for it..." Lisa said aloud.

"Wait! Military school?!"

"There it is."

"Yes, Bart." Marge started. "Chief Wiggum said it really helped his brother."

"His brother operates a cave!" Bart exclaimed.

"A _famous_ cave," Homer added.

"Still. We think it's a good idea. So deal with it."

Bart flopped back in his seat, arms as crossed as his body would allow them to be.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

The drive to Rommelwood Military Academy wasn't very long. As the Simpsons exited their car, they saw a middle-aged man dressed in military formal wear.

"Greetings." He welcomed them. "I'm Commandant."

"Hello, Commandant..." Marge trailed off as he shook his hand, intending for him to finish the sentence.

"Commandant."

"Yes, but what's your name?"

"Commandant."

"And you're the commandant of the academy?"

"Yes."

"So you're Commandant Commandant?" Lisa wondered.

"Correct." The man confirmed.

"Ha! I guess you were born for this job, huh?" Homer joked.

"Thank you, sir. That's only the four hundred and twelfth time I've heard that joke this year."

Homer let out a small whimper of defeat as the commandant began their tour.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

"And that's how we'll mold your boy into a productive member of society through an intensive program of push-ups and formation marching." The commandant finished as he led the family through to where the other cadets stood. "The other students have already arrived since it's a month into the year."

"Yes, sorry about that." Marge apologized.

"Oh, it's no problem." He replied as the arrived at the other cadets.

Standing before the family was two rows of young uniformed students, standing completely straight. "Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential."

"Wow," Lisa exclaimed. "They're so disciplined. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xi'An."

"They sure are." Homer agreed as he picked up a rock from the ground and tossed it at the back row of cadets.

The rock hit one right in the middle of his back, who proceeded to break formation in order to writhe in pain.

"They're not so disciplined."

"They're just kids, Mr. Simpson." The commandant defended his pupils.

"I guess." Homer picked up another rock and tossed it at a different student. However, this time, the student, a red-haired cadet, caught the rock in his hand before slamming it onto the concrete under him, shattering the stone into dozens of shards. "Whoa."

"Yes, that's Damion, our most gifted athlete." The commandant noted as he continued the tour.

After touring the outer campus, the commandant led the family through one of the many school buildings. "Truth is beauty, beauty, truth, sir!" Lisa overheard the answer coming from inside one of the classrooms. Sprinting ahead, she reached the classroom and peeked in.

She gasped with joy at what she saw inside. "They're discussing poetry," Lisa told her family as they caught up with her. "We never do that at my school." She added.

As they toured the other buildings, Lisa's smile became wider and wider. Chemistry, world history, English literature, algebra, physics, and more caught her eyes as they move through the school. It was then that she made up her mind.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

"Please don't make me stay!" Bart cried out as he held tightly onto his father's leg in a less-than-dignitary manner.

"Let go of my leg," Homer ordered.

"Nooo!" Bart cried back.

"Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school."

And at that moment, Lisa shared her decision. With crossed arms and eyes full of determination, she said the sentence that would change her life forever.

"And so am I."

* * *

A/N: I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter of my newest story. If it sounded familiar, it's probably because it's a lightly modified novelization of the first third of my favorite episode, _The Secret War of Lisa Simpson._ This is because this story will be heavily based off the episode. However, I fully intend to flesh out the story greatly. This will NOT be a simple novelization of the episode. It only starts that way. I will have new character development, new plot lines, and a completely different ending than that of the episode.

Also, I do a thing where if you review, you get a preview of the first 400 words of the next chapters as soon as their written. (Doesn't apply to guest reviews.) So, yeah.


	2. The New Kids

"And so am I."

Nobody in the family expected to hear those words to come out of her mouth. Yet, they just had.

"Honey, this place is just a punishment."

"Maybe for Bart..." Lisa began, holding her ground. "But for me, it's an opportunity. It's got everything I've ever wanted from a school."

"But it has guns and physical training."

"And chemistry, advanced math, English literature, and a billion other classes I could never take if I stayed in Springfield. Mom, I need this."

"You're sure about this?"

"As sure as I've ever been about anything."

Marge and Homer looked at each other for a minute before returning their gaze to Lisa. "Okay."

Lisa's serious stance quickly turned to unbridled joy. "Come on! Let's go talk to the commandant." She suggested as she made her way back to the campus.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

"So, what can I help you with?" The commandant asked as he gestured the family into his office.

"Well," Marge started. "We were wondering if we could register one more student."

"Ah, Bart has a brother?"

"Well, no."

"A cousin then. Always good to keep your extended family in touch." The man inferred.

"Not quite. Well, it's... uh..."

"It's me." Lisa interrupted, rising from her chair. "I'd like to be a cadet."

"You? But... you're a girl."

"Yes."

"You're a girl, yet you want to join the academy? This academy?"

"Yes."

The commandant rose from his seat and began pacing behind his desk. "Well, I'm not quite sure how to handle this. See, if we were to accept you into our ranks, you'd be the first female cadet at this school."

"Sir, that shouldn't make a difference. I'm not looking for special treatment or anything. Just give me a chance to prove myself. I guarantee you won't be disappointed."

The commandant stopped pacing and looked right at Lisa, who stared right back, standing her ground. "It won't be easy."

"I wasn't expecting it to be." Lisa shot back, maintaining eye contact with the man.

"It'll probably be the hardest thing you ever do."

"I don't care."

The two then stood in silence, staring at each other for a good minute as Lisa's parents waited anxiously for the commandant's answer.

"Go get a uniform, cadet."

Though she was screaming with joy on the inside, Lisa merely cracked a thankful smile and saluted her new superior. "Yes, sir."

Marge turned to face her daughter. "Remember, you can always come home. Just call us up and we'll be here as soon as possible."

Lisa dragged Bart out of the room to go acquire their uniforms, as their parents stayed to continue their conversation with the commandant.

"You know," Bart started as he accompanied his sister down one of the main building's many corridors. "You're either really brave or really stupid for staying."

"Which do you think I am?"

"Both," He replied honestly, garnering a short chuckle from Lisa.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

Bart had an easy time picking out his uniform. For him, it was as simple as picking the right size shirt and pants and putting them on.

Lisa, on the other hand, had a bit of a tougher time.

"This is all made for boys!" She exclaimed to her brother, who was waiting outside of the closet she was using as a fitting room.

"Well duh. Just find one already."

"Get me a smaller size!" She ordered him, opening the closet door slightly and tossing out the last shirt he'd gotten her.

Bart sighed softly and did what he was told. After some searching, he found the shirt he was looking for. Returning to Lisa's closet, he cracked the door open just enough to pass her the shirt.

He waited a couple minutes, leaning against the door. He almost started to doze off, until the door was suddenly opened, pushing him forward. Regaining his balance, he moved away from the door and turned around to see his now uniformed sister exiting the closet, still pulling on her new shirt's unfitting fabric.

"It's not great." She stated, moving her gaze upwards from the shirt to her brother. "But I guess it'll have to do."

Both siblings were now clad in a gray dress shirt and blue jeans. Neither sibling minded the uniform too much. They were both used to wearing the same outfit day after day.

They gathered up the three extra outfits they were each allowed to take and headed out of the building. Waiting for them outside was their assigned student chaperone, who had taken them to the building in the first place.

"I've been informed that you've already taken a tour of the campus," The cadet started as he led them through the school grounds. "So I'll skip that part and take you straight to the barracks where you'll be sleeping."

They followed the cadet to the long cabin-like structures that would be their home for the remainder of the school year. Much to Lisa's annoyance, the barracks, despite being labeled with letters, weren't in alphabetical order. Along with the seemingly random sequence, other discrepancies, such as the fact that there was one structure labeled "Y", even though there were, at most, a dozen cabins, annoyed her to no end.

Lisa considered asking the cadet about the odd labeling system but decided the reason would probably annoy her more than the actual designations.

The student ambassador led them to the cabin labeled "Y". "This is where you'll be staying." He said, looking at Bart. "Find an empty bed, unpack your stuff, and stay there until dinner."

By this time, classes were over, and everyone was back in their barracks chatting away. However, once Bart entered the building, every conversation stopped, creating an eerie silence as all eyes turned towards him. As he began walking past the cadets, whispers rose above the quiet, proving how quickly news traveled in the school. "That's the brother of the new girl." "Another feminine one?" "No, she's actually a girl."

After traveling half the length of the building, Bart finally found an empty bed. However, as he lifted his belongings over the bed, a voice called out from beside him. "That bed's taken."

Bart searched around the bed and inside the metal chest that lay at the foot of it, checking for belongings. When he didn't find any, he looked back at the source of the voice, a cadet sitting in the bed one row in front of Bart. "But there isn't any-"

"It's taken." Bart was cut off. He turned around to the opposite bed and, again, lifted his luggage up.

And again, he was stopped. "That bed's taken too." This time, the voice came from the bed opposite the first voice.

Bart let out a grunt and moved back another row. However, before he could even lift his luggage up, he was immediately stopped by the first cadet. "Those beds are taken."

This cycle repeated, with the two cadets taking turns denying Bart a bed. Eventually, Bart reached the final row of beds. He stood in front of the bed on the left, waiting to be told of its seemingly invisible occupant. When only silence came, he looked back at the cadets with a face devoid of all emotion.

"What?" One of them asked, his face gleaming with false innocence.

Bart stared daggers at the unfazed group but remained silent.

"There's no stuff there!" The other yelled back at him, poking fun at the fact that the other "taken" beds also lacked belongings. "So it must be empty!"

Bart lifted his luggage, hovering it over the green bed, before turning his gaze back to his audience.

The first cadet raised his eyebrows and waved his hand forward, giving Bart permission to drop his stuff on the bed.

The force of heavy suitcases was only somewhat absorbed by the less-than-soft bed. One suitcase bounced completely off the bed, landing beside it with a thud and inciting scattered chuckles from the crowd of cadets watching him.

Bart quelled his fear that he had broken the bed and remained emotionless. Climbing into his new bed, which he discovered was closer to a cot than a bed, he sat cross-legged before the suitcase that sat on the sheets. As he opened the suitcase, preparing to unpack, he noticed that his audience was still as attentive as ever.

Glaring at them for a few seconds, he finally decided to break his silence. "What?!" He yelled at them.

The group immediately looked away from the new cadet, returning to whatever conversation they were having before he had entered the room. Sighing and shaking his head in annoyance, Bart began to unpack. Somehow, he knew this was only the beginning.

–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–

"What about me?" Lisa asked the student chaperone after Bart had entered his new home.

"You'll be staying..." The student trailed off as he flipped to the next page of his dossier. However, rather than answer Lisa's question, he put on a puzzled look, and flipped back a page, before proceeding to flip through the entire file. After checking every page on his clipboard, he finally gave an instruction. "Follow me."

Lisa did as she was told, cautiously following the older student. She had a feeling something was wrong, and her suspicions were only confirmed when the student began leading her away from the barracks, rather than towards them. Still, she hoped that, whatever was going on, this student knew how to handle it. Or, if he didn't, he knew someone who did; but most of all, she just hoped it wasn't her fault.

They traveled across the campus, from the barracks near the back of the school to the administration building at the front. Lisa quietly followed the boy into the building, keeping her head low. He led her to the secretaries' station, where she stood behind him, nervous of what would come next.

"Hi." The older cadet made himself known to the secretaries, one of whom rolled her chair over to assist him. "I need the housing assignment for a 'Lisa Simpson'."

"Alright." Came the blunt reply. the secretary typed away at the computer for a minute before putting on the same puzzled look the cadet had had, worsening Lisa's nerves. She rolled her chair over to the phone and lifted it to her ear.

"Sir, this is Mary. A student ambassador is here asking for the housing assignment of-" She stopped, staring straight at the little girl standing behind the older cadet.

"Lisa Simpson." Lisa squeaked out.

"Lisa Simpson." The secretary repeated. The secretary went quiet, simply nodding her head and spitting out the occasional "Okay" and "Mmhm.", as she listened to the person on the other end. At some point, she glanced at Lisa for a second, telling the other person that "Yeah, she's here." Mary listened for another few seconds before spitting out a final "Alright." and putting away the phone. Turning back to Lisa and the student ambassador, she reported to them that "He's on his way down.", failing to specify who "he" was.

Too scared to ask, Lisa stayed put, opting instead to wait for whoever it was to reveal himself. She didn't wait long, however, as the head of the school, Commandant Commandant, soon walked around the corner, instantly making himself known to everyone in the room with his booming voice. The student escort immediately faced the middle-aged man and stood at attention. Lisa followed suit, still too scared to speak.

"I didn't think you'd be done so quick." Though he was addressing Lisa, it was the ambassador that responded.

"Well, sir, they already took the campus tour with you, so I decided to skip that part. I've already taken the other one, Bart, to his place with Company 'Y'. But Lisa's housing information seems to be missing."

"I know." The commandant replied matter-of-factly. "Follow me." He ordered the two cadets as he headed toward the building's exit.

"She'll be staying in barrack 'B'." The commandant informed them as they walked back towards housing. "However, seeing as you're a..." He paused for a moment, still trying to wrap his head around the concept, before continuing. "...girl, you'll need to be in separate housing than the boys. Therefore, I'll be dividing company 'B' and sending them to the other 4th grade companies."

Though she was slightly relieved that it had been confirmed that her lack of housing assignment wasn't her fault, Lisa still felt a ping of anxiety run through her at the idea of not only being the sole resident of barrack "B", but at the fact that she would be responsible for the forced eviction of its current residents.

Her anxiety only worsened at the sight of the previously mentioned current residents. She quickly noticed that this was the group of cadets that she had seen while touring the campus with her family earlier that day. Thankful for the commandant's protection, she opted to stand by the doorway while the commandant addressed the soon to be reassigned company "B".

Though, however nervous she was, she couldn't help but be amazed by the complete change of atmosphere when the commandant entered the room. Nobody even had to see him. All they needed to hear was one cadet informing them that "Commandant Commandant, sir." had arrived, and they instantly sprang out of their beds and stood straight as a ruler in front of their respective foot-locker. However, the most amazing part came when, as if they shared one voice, the entire company of twenty-odd students repeated the message that had alerted them.

"Commandant Commandant, sir."

"Atten-hut!" The commandant paced up and down the centered walkway as he addressed his cadets. "By now, you have probably heard of the new cadet. Yes, we now have a female among our ranks." Lisa sunk back as far as she could without sitting down when she saw all the cadets simultaneously glance at her for just a moment. "That means changes. For instance, she will need a home here at Rommelwood. This..." He gestured around the barrack. "Will be that home. In order to accommodate this housing change, company "B" will be divided and sent to the other two 4th grade houses." Lisa felt another glance from the students. However, this time, she could feel the anger that came with it.

The commandant made his way to the front of the building and stood next to Lisa. "You," he gestured to those standing on the right side of the building. "will be moving in with company "L". The rest of you," He said, turning to face those on the left. "Will go with company "Y". Now pack your things and move out."

With this final command, the previously still room erupted into movement as the cadets followed their orders. One by one, the students moved out of the building. As the moved past Lisa, they shot glances at her that made her even more thankful for the commandant's presence.

Among those being forced to leave the building was Damion, who now walked dressed in anger towards his new room, his lackeys on walking with him on either side.

"I can't believe they let a girl in." Anderson complained.

"I don't imagine she'll stay long. We'll drive her out." Platt replied.

As they entered the building for company "Y", Damion continued his silence and focused on the young cadet who was watching the new occupants enter as he lay on his bed at the back of the room.

"Where have I seen him?" Damion asked aloud to nobody in particular.

Platt and Anderson both turned to look at the cadet.

"I'm not s-"

"He was with the girl." Damion cut Platt off. "Earlier today, with the girl and that idiot that threw the rock. They must be family." He paused for a moment, contemplating his next move. After a few seconds he put on a sly smile. "Come on." He ordered his lackeys as he began moving towards the back of the building.

"Where are we going, sir?"

"We're going to make a new friend."

* * *

 **A/N:** "But you said it was going in a different direction than the episode!" I know. And it will. This is not a short story. Give it time. The real fun starts next chapter. As Lisa said, I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

Don't forget to REview for a PREview (See what I did there?)


End file.
